First of all, this is lovely.
Secondly, I’d say the ONLY liberation here is just me realizing that I don’t have to promise my body to a man after we have sex. That’s literally the only thing I’m celebrating here.
The rest is not liberation, but pragmatism. LOL. I just do not expect to find a man who would love me. I don’t think any of my past partners did, except for the one I thought I would marry — I think he loved me in the beginning, but did not for most of our relationship. I’m tired of waiting for love and have no reason to believe that it will magically appear one day. Maybe, though— I’m not TOTALLY pessimistic. ;) But I just don’t care anymore. I just want to enjoy myself with another human being.
Trust would be ideal, but I will never expect that from a man. Every man I’ve been with has either cheated on me or hidden important information from me before sex (like he already has a girlfriend and is cheating on her with me, or whatever). So I know a future lover will be a risk — I can hope for the best, but I don’t expect to get honesty at this point. I will keep GIVING honesty because I believe in that, but it would take me a really long time to truly trust someone and again, I don’t want to wait around for that because even years later, they can shock you with all the things they’ve been doing behind your back. It just doesn’t seem practical to wait for honesty and trust, though I certainly HOPE for it.
I have been pondering the idea of trying out the way I operated in my mid-twenties, when I was just experimenting and jumping into situations with men I didn’t know well. There’s some appeal to that — I don’t have to invest trust or feelings in it and if they follow the typical M.O. that I’m used to, it won’t hurt as much.
But also…I don’t tend to find that very satisfying. Honestly, I want a connection. But… (and she goes on in her circular argument…)
Like I said, this is less about liberation and more about pragmatism. LOL. I like your way better, but I just don’t think it’s likely to shake out that way for me at this point in my life.
