God, you are a good writer. This is SO vulnerable and there's SO much to unpack here. Another one where I suspect you will revisit and dive even deeper.

I am SO SORRY that you experienced so much pressure from women around sex. You DO have a right to complain about that, feel bad about it, feel angry, feel ANYTHING you feel. I know that is a tough one for men, but you deserve enthusiastic consent as much as women do.

There are two instances in my past relationship in which my partner held me down and fucked me while I was crying and saying "No" over and over again and it wasn't until #metoo started that I began to consider that...omg, I still cannot say the word. "Rape." It is so ingrained in me that as a woman, I have to give a partner whatever he wants, whenever he wants it, and that rape doesn't exist in a relationship. But now I see those instances so differently. I was always mad about it but never felt like I deserved to be - now I let myself feel the anger. Because that wasn't okay.

It wasn't okay that you were coerced or pressured into sex by women. I won't define that for you - that's your business - but you have every right to call it whatever you feel like. Because that's a violation. I have heard it from a lot of men this year, that women pressured them into sex either by emotional manipulation or getting them drunk, and it is NOT okay.

Also, forgive me for inserting this here, but I hope you let yourself off the hook a little for your missteps with your ex. Learning our way out of sexual shame and shaming behaviors is a LONG process. I'm 44 and still working on it. No doubt you did your best and make sure you don't overcorrect by turning that judgment onto yourself. I noticed you said you wanted "dull monogamy" - that's okay. :) Monogamy isn't inherently dull and I hate to see you judge yourself for wanting that when the only problem was that you were with an incompatible partner. It's totally okay to want whatever you want and it doesn't make you any dull compared so someone who wants more experience and partners. Your sexual needs and preferences matter, too, and they are just as legitimate as anyone else's.

Okay, sorry. I'll shut up now. ;) I just love you and your work so much! You're amazing.