I can relate to this so much. I fell in love with girls in elementary school all the time - as often as I did with my male classmates. But I did not understand at the time that it was an attraction because it was so ingrained in me that "girls like boys and boys like girls."

In college, I was very deeply aware of my attraction to women. I met someone I wanted to date so badly, but she was already in a relationship.

I think some part of me assumed it wasn't a big deal. That my non-traditional attractions (I really liked androgynous looking people, women, men...pretty much everyone) were just a fluke. I considered myself bi (before I knew what pan was) but I never claimed that label. I wanted kids so I figured it would be easier to just date men. I also think I sensed there would be no social clout in dating a woman, and after struggling so much to find a relationship in my twenties as all my friends got married, I wanted to prove that I was "normal" and could build a relationship with a man. (Cringe.)

It wasn't until I was in my forties that I fully embraced my sexual leanings. I think it confuses a lot of people because I have such a long hetero-history, but I see that a lot with bi/pan people - that even one hetero relationship forever stigmatizes you as hetero. LOL. Totally missing the point that the opposite sex is part of our attraction pool.

Anyways...I wonder what life would have been like had I felt freer to embrace this part of myself...