I get what you’re saying, but I don’t think it’s fair. I’ve had this happen a million times and I NEVER give them honest feedback. Not anymore. I have learned that this can be dangerous. I’ve had far too many men react with threats or simply cruel remarks that I don’t want to have to deal with. I don’t owe strangers on the internet a space in my life that impacts my mental health.

Further, I don’t believe that giving this honest feedback changes them. They just move on to the next person. I don’t care how many women tell them to buzz off, if the narrative of our culture fundamentally supports our existence as potential fulfillment of male desire, the men who have bought into that aren’t suddenly going to have a change of heart.

I also want to add that I think we are far too quick to hold WOMEN responsible for not doing a better job at managing these kinds of abuses. The fact that we keep seeking to hold women partially or fully responsible for these issues feels very problematic to me. I’ve been called out for this, too, and I won’t accept that anymore.

It isn’t my or any woman’s responsibility to take time out of our day to teach men that this isn’t okay. It isn’t wrong for us to protect ourselves from the potential of violence that we KNOW exists in situations where we speak up and push back.

Sasha chose safety here — and that’s not the same as dishonesty.

At this point, I ignore these messages and often block the sender. If I took the time to give honest feedback to each one of them (which is to say nothing about the risk of putting myself in the position of receiving their potentially violent responses), it would become a part-time job (unpaid, I might add). And that is NOT okay.

The responsibility for cleaning this up lies with men who are doing it — not with us.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. I might further explore this topic in a future article. ❤