I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder and struggled with my weight my whole life. At my biggest, I was an 18, which logically, I recognize isn’t that big, but my first gynecologist, without checking in with my medical history (eating disorders, BDD, etc.) told me I was “hugely obese” (I weighed 195 lbs. at 5'7") and was going to die if I didn’t lose 50 pounds in the next 6 months. Which of course, spiraled me even further into eating disorders and BDD.

I have been in recovery for about ten years now and have mostly held steady without much effort at a size 10, 145–155 lbs. But I still see myself as “hugely obese” all these years later. Sometimes, I’m fine and I can see what’s really there. Other times, I see someone overwhelmingly overweight.

Even in that photo and other nudes that I take, I sometimes feel like I look huge in them, and then a few months later, I’ll look again and see what’s really there. It’s crazy, what my mind does.