My point in that quote, as you can see if you read it carefully, was to illuminate the fact that ALL of us deal with pain from rejection and insecurity. There is a story — one that I suspect you buy into, based on what you said here — that women don’t really experience the pain of rejection or that it doesn’t cut as deeply or that we haven’t experienced it much. I’ve had several past boyfriends say that to me — that it just doesn’t hurt us the way it hurts men, that we don’t experience it as often, etc. My point in that line you quoted was simply to remind men that we DO feel that pain very deeply.

I also tried to avoid a generalized statement with the use of “some” when I was talking about men — because of course, it doesn’t apply to all.

I think this is where we get into trouble — when we make generalizations and we get into a me-vs.-them rut. Feminist women vs. men, for instance.

That’s not who I am or where I’m coming from. I think my articles clearly demonstrate my compassion, empathy, and love for men. I’m not an “other.” I’m not on a side away from you, judging you or telling you your experience doesn’t matter. That is not the case and never will be.

I see you and hear your story and I can feel the pain of it. And I am deeply sorry for what you went through.

But as a woman, I know the assumptions that have sprung up for you around your story are not all true. My female friends and I all asked out dozens of men in our lives from middle school on. We were not the passive recipients of male attention, mocking the men we rejected.

On the contrary, it was a constant back-and-forth. People asked each other out, regardless of gender. Most of those asks were met with rejection. Sometimes cruel. Again, regardless of gender.

I asked out more boys than I can count in high school. ALL of them said no. I was a little pudgy back then and they were quite cruel to me about it, calling me “piggy,” “oinker,” “fatso.” I remember when I was a sophomore, I walked my courageous self up to a crowded cafeteria table where the boy I was interested in was sitting and I asked him to Homecoming right there in front of all his friends. He made a shocked choking-laugh sound, then said, with a smile, “Ummm…no.” I tried to smile and I said awkwardly, “Okay, see you later” and as I turned away, the entire table erupted into laughter, someone making pig noises.

My point is: There’s no competition about who got hurt the worst here. We all did. For different reasons, by different people, but are ALL wounded. And I don’t think it will help us to see each other as adversaries who don’t understand one another.

Feminist writers aren’t a faceless group of women who don’t give a shit about you, or men in general. Yes, you’ll probably find a few that might fit that description (and if you look deeply, you will probably find enormous pain beneath that facade). But mostly, I think feminist writers are a group of people who are all trying to figure out how to empower EVERYONE — men, included. Because you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT about the way our culture demands men push forward always, while ignoring their feelings. The “toxic masculinity,” as you mentioned.

Most feminists want men free from that as much as we want ourselves to be free. Most feminists know we won’t find a more equal, balanced, and healthy culture without the true empowerment that men also deserve.

To be clear, I never said anywhere in my article, or in any article that rejection isn’t a big deal to men. I have never felt that way — I know it’s a big deal, because it’s a big deal for me and for lots of other women. It’s a big deal for all of us. So please do not walk away from this article with the mistaken perception that that is part of my message. It is not.

Also, I would again like to challenge your perception that men face rejection more than women do. As I mentioned here, I and most women I know have asked out dozens of men. That’s not always true, of course, but you might be surprised by how common it is.

And the last challenge I want to make — something I try to do in all my articles — is for us all (regardless of gender) to keep exploring a topic, even when we are triggered. To not make assumptions about one another just because something brought up pain in us that led us into a familiar story that we constructed many years ago. There’s more to the narrative than we realize if we can get past our discomfort and listen to one another. And more than that — HAVE FAITH in one another.

I hope that this came across in kindness, compassion, and care. Sending you much love and thank you for sharing your thoughts. ❤