OMG. This is incredible. You are 100% - ambivalence is the LAST thing you can admit to and still get to keep your place at the table. Heaven forbid we experience and share this nuance!

I made the decision over the past year to stop contemplating motherhood. No more thoughts on adoption. No more considering getting pregnant on my own. And I am uncomfortable with that because I know I can't talk about it. I could still (maybe probably) get pregnant with some effort, but I just don't want to anymore. I'm 45. I feel done. I don't want to struggle to come up with money for adoption. And underneath all that is just the realization that the time in my life when I could be up all night with a screaming infant is over.

But how do I explain that, explain that I'm happy with my choice and even happy with my childfree life AND ALSO I grieve the life I didn't have, the daughter I never got? I'm childless and childfree. And there's just no space for that.

Well done. This needs to be said.