Thank you for sharing this. I just wrote a piece on consent in relationships that I’ll be publishing soon so this caught my attention. I struggled to say no to boyfriends in the past and often gave in when they showed how disappointed, upset, or insecure they felt because of my response. I didn’t love them any less, find them boring, or feel less attracted to them and I wanted to assure them of that fact. My preference to not have sex at any moment was simply because I wasn’t feeling well, wanted to be alone, or didn’t feel attractive/sexual.

However, managing their responses — the disappointment, the insecurities, the wheedling, the criticism, or the anger — would eventually make me feel manipulated. I stopped feeling like my feelings mattered or that they respected me. Me giving in was so often one of the things that would eventually wear away at the relationship. I wanted to be able to say no without feeling guilty or manipulated. I wanted to feel like I could take that time to deal with whatever I was feeling, rather than having to manage what he was feeling, instead.

It’s all a dance, though, so complicated and difficult and beautiful. We’re all insecure, as you said, we’re all trying so hard. We’ve just got to keep doing our best and examining ourselves as you have so beautifully done here.