The post-breakup story is one of the most painful acts of separation, I think. Meaning, the way two people “position” one another in their own narratives. Like your exes deciding you were the villain, or my mom deciding my father ruined her life.

This has prompted me to try not to label things too much after a breakup. It would be very easy for me to blame my ex for lots of things that happened, and the breakup, itself, and to have a very negative perception of him in light of all that. But…I know he blames me and sees me as an evil person (daughter of Eve — women are born to corrupt) and so there’s an absurdity that’s so apparent to me in knowing that. Meaning — we could both position each other as these evil villains and it would be entirely reasonable from both of our perspectives.

And so…I don’t. I know that won’t change his perspective, but also…his perspective of me is only going to disempower him and cause him to keep making unhealthy choices in future relationships. And I don’t want to give him that same power. So I try not to put too many definitions on how our relationship ended or on who he is.

I guess my point is…your exes will always be held captive by their perception of you as the perpetrator. The illusion that they have created will ultimately only hurt them.