Yes, it is so normalized. I still have deep issues with my dad because he taught me to never make a man think I wanted sex. If I did, he warned, there would be “no stopping things from happening.”

I’m so angry about that and how fucking scared that made me feel ALL THE TIME. I discovered early on that men interpreted things in different ways. There was no predicting how my words, actions, or clothing would come off to one man vs. another. How the hell was I supposed to know what would make them think I wanted sex from them???? So I was terrified constantly, basically from 12 to 24, if not longer.

And the thing is: This was normal for the world my dad grew up in. This was how people taught women about sex. This was his way of PROTECTING me. Telling me to button up, don’t talk about sex in front of men, don’t act sexy, etc. He honestly thought he was protecting me, I know.

But it damaged me deeply and caused me years of pain and anxiety. I STILL am unraveling the shit around that. I STILL cannot believe that I have a right to say no if I’m on a date with someone and they want to take things further and I don’t. I STILL feel like I have to apologize or explain, because I went out on that date and doesn’t that mean “I want it?” It sickens me how deeply this is embedded in me and how hard it is for me to understand that I actually have the right to say no.

I could go on…but you probably get the point. This is such a deep pain for me.

Thank you for writing this. It’s beautiful.